Cut Me Down to Size

I think from the moment I first took a breath I've been my daddy's girl.  My mum likes to remind me how I would cry until he walked through the front door and then it was all smiles and giggles for my main man.  Though there were times that I swore I hated him, not much has really changed.  He still holds my heart and I turn to him when it's aching.  
My mums a bit of a different story. While dad and I are in sync, my mum and I are trying to talk in different languages.  I tend to me stubborn, willful and defiant, she on the other hand is reserved and quiet.  We are both passionate - just about different things.  Despite our differences, I love her deeply.

She raised me well and I am a better person for having been her daughter.  She had the patience to teach me to read, something that has brought me great enjoyment, and she taught me to sew, cook and to love myself.  I have so many things to thank her for.

Recently I watched her cry and I thought I would break.

I know that we grow from adversity.  It is a necessary and simple, though difficult, part of life.  I've heard it be compared to a rosebush.  If a rosebush is not pruned it will cease to bloom.  Instead it will send out shoots and continue to grow thorny tendrils.  When cut back, the rosebush will produce delicate flowers of fragrant beauty.  But what happens when the snipping doesn't stop?

It is easy to put someone down so that we feel better about ourselves.  It is easy to lash out at another and blame them for our own short comings.  It is easy to pick on someone weak so that we feel powerful.   So often we are consumed with our own devises, our own longings and our own desires.  We become blind to the feelings and needs of others.  How often do we consider those that are hurt by our selfish behavior?  How often do we end up blaming them instead of looking at ourselves as the source of our pain?

I have seen my mum cry too much.  I have seen the look of shocked hurt spread across her face too many times.  I am ashamed to say that I have been the cause of that pain on more than a few occasions.  Though I didn't cause it this time, it affected me as though I had.  I remembered so many things that I said and did to her in my stubborn defiance.  The problem is that it isn't just her.  I've been mean to so many people just to make myself feel better.  In my great need to feel important, I've torn a wide path of hurt.  It saddens me that it's taken this long for me to realize it.

I can't take back the things that I've done and I realize that a blanket apology doesn't erase the hurt.  Instead, I am going to cut myself down to size.  The next time I feel like lashing out at someone else with a mean remark or a snide comment, I will instead turn the pruners on myself.  I will still be bold and fierce, but not with the purpose of tearing anyone else down.  There is enough pain, I don't want to be part of it. 

Maybe it will help someone bloom.

Mum, I love you.

kcgnome