Moments as Markers

We are our the sum of our experiences, perhaps that is why we use moments as markers along our mortal journey.  They may seem insignificant at the time but become vastly life changing and for those familiar with our story it is an easy way to identify a location, emotional state or explanation as to where we are now.  Before the fire... When I still lived with...  After I had my first baby... All events that vastly change the direction or focus of our lives. Some are good, some are challenging, some are heartbreaking. 

Some will forever be more significant than others.

I have had quite a few markers in recent years.  Meeting my husband and his two wonderful children, the birth of our first child, our marriage, the purchase of our first home, the birth of my daughter, turning the big 3-0 later this month.  But for a moment it's an older, very worn, phrase I'd like to write about.

Before Ryan died...

I can't tell you how many times my poor husband has had to hear this cross my lips.  He is wonderful about it and never asks me to stop talking about him, for which I am very grateful.  He must see this well of grief that lives inside of me and understands that with each bucket of memories I pull up the grief subsides a little bit.  Sometimes I fear that it is never ending.  There are moments that I am caught unaware and a scent, a glance, a hint will take me closer to the past than I was prepared for and the tears will sting my eyes and sadness grips my heart like a fist.

For the last few months I seem to be circling back.  Events and decisions have taken me back to places we used to frequent and for the last few weeks I have been absolutely haunted by unbidden memories.  Most of them have me smiling, how could I not?  Loss and loneliness penetrate them all, how could it not?  

Ryan is such a large influence on who I am that there is no memory that wouldn't leave me feeling alone.  He was part of a larger group of friends that saw me through those difficult high school years that had it not been for them I loathe to think about where I would be today.  They all helped to shape and mold who I became and I still carry them fondly in my heart though it has been years since I've seen many of them.  Paths seemed to diverge after Ryan died.

For me Ryan was charisma, he was compassion, he was my friend.  We would talk and write and ponder late into many nights.  We would sit quietly together, no words spoken, and be completely comfortable.  He was untamed, passionate and completely deluded, but when he laughed there was nothing more needed to convince me of the sanity of his musings.  Only later, usually when we were in trouble, did the spell break and reality glimmer momentarily.  

My meager words can not begin to describe the enchantment that he wove.  I could believe anything he told me, no matter how many times I'd been burned.  Admittedly, I see the past through rose colored glasses.  I chose to forget much.  There were darker times, moments, memories, but I chose not to dwell on them.  There are things I wish I could do again, there are things I wish never happened.  I suppose wishing is wasting though.

He has been on my mind so much recently, I ran into his mom a few weeks ago.  We talked about many things and she reminded me how much he loved me.  Sometimes I think I forget.  I still need validation from a dead man.  Maybe it's because each day I'm reminded of how much I miss him but like today there is no one to tell it to.  


My religious beliefs differ from his, but I believe that I will see him again.  I am confident in this.  I can't wait to hug him and have him throw his head back in laughter and hear his voice again.  It is fading from my memory.  


I miss him profoundly, I hope that he stops in from time to time and checks in on me. I hope that he sees how happy my family makes me and where I am going in my life.  I hope that he knows that I wish I could introduce him to my children so that they could be wrapped up in his spell too.  I hope that he knows how much I love him and how much of a great and lasting influence he had on me before Ryan died.

With love,
kcgnome